Who Abandoned Artyom?

Torry Hansen, a single mother from Tennessee achieved her desire to adopt a child by adopting a little boy named Artyom from Russia. Not long after that, things began to go horribly wrong. The boy began setting fires, hurting animals, and threatening to kill family members. The family was in over their heads in caring for him. This story caused international outrage when she placed him on an airplane with a one-way ticket back to Russia, along with a note, and an escort to meet him on the other end.

Russian courts annulled the adoption. They also halted adoptions in the U.S.

The World Association for Children and Parents sued Torry Hansen, forcing her to pay medical costs and child support until the boy reaches adulthood, citing they wanted to deter other families from doing the same thing and to show the Russians that you “can’t do this in the U.S. and get away with it.”

First, let me say that sending him back on a plane, without having the adoption formally annulled first was the wrong thing to do. Alleged reports say that she never asked social workers that she was having problems with the boy and never asked for help. She went through a lot of red tape to adopt him; she should have gone through a lot more red tape to annul the agreement. The return could have and should have been handled better than it was. In my opinion, if she’s guilty of anything, it’s for not taking these steps.

But, there are three issues that have not been addressed in this article which have to be considered regarding pre-adoption, current placement, and adoption preservation.

According to this article on Torry Ann Hansen Artyom’s birth mother lost her parental rights because she was an alcoholic. After that, he lived in an orphanage. Russian orphanages aren’t exactly the poster children for tender, loving, care.

A CNN article describes that Artyom was beaten at the orphanage and that he burned down a building near the orphanage. Prior to the adoption, the Russian doctors told Torry Hansen that “he was healthy.” Then they walked away. It’s easy to see how this young boy could have RAD, FASD, and PTSD, any one of these disorders could render his behavior unmanageable in a family setting. All three combined is a ticket to familial disaster. The judge said in his order that when Hanson adopted the boy she signed a contract acknowledging that it was possible the child could have physical, emotional or behavior problems that were unreported and even unknown to the adoption agency.

Where is the legal protection for parents who are adopting violent, aggressive internationally adopted children? There isn’t any.How do we do it better?  International pre-adoptive agreements must clearly designate protocols for families addressing RAD, FASD, PTSD symptoms which render a child’s behavior unmanageable in a family setting, due to the vast amount of internationally adoptive children suffering from FASD. After all, we have pre-nuptial agreements, don’t we?

Let’s look at what would have happened if he’d stayed here. Let’s say that she did notify social workers that he was aggressive and violent, causing threat of harm in his school, community, and family. What would they have done?

Answer? Nothing. Because that is what we do in the United States for severely mentally ill persons. Artyom would have made numerous trips through the psychiatric revolving door. In between those trips, he’d be terrorizing his classmates, neighbor children, and his family. When the family wore out, the state of Tennessee would have refused Torry Hansen the ability to place him in a residential treatment facility for children with trauma-related disorders, telling her that the only option she had was to involuntarily relinquish her parental rights so that the state could draw down federal funding to pay the $150,000 per year for his care. And before you ask about personal insurance-forget it. It doesn’t cover the first penny of this treatment. Of course, while forcing her to take this step, they’d charge her with neglect. Why? Because that is how we handle things here. We make them “second time foster children.” It works great for the state governments, but doesn’t do much for adoption preservation. And guess what? There is no American outrage about that. We accept it as ethical and moral. It happens to over 100 families per year in Illinois alone, as well as to thousands of families across our nation.

One question that keeps running through my mind is that if Torry Hansen should pay $1,000 per month child support, where does the alcoholic birth mother’s responsibility lie? Should she not share in the cost of his care? She chose to drink while pregnant. She chose not to get sober enough to care for him. She chose not to deal with the problems she created. How much easier is it to be her? Where did the root of Artyom’s problems begin?

A Russian newspaper reports that court documents say the boy was hospitalized for three weeks after he returned to Moscow, but they don’t say what he was treated for. He was later moved to an orphanage and then sent to another institution. Really? Immediately after Artyom was returned to Russia, there was an outpouring of parents begging to take him. The most prominent family was a Russian Diplomat family. Why didn’t they adopt him? Why then is he being cycled from one institution to another? Where are all the Russian families that expressed outrage and called him a poor, innocent boy who just needed a family to love him? As I recall, they were lining up to take him in.

Who abandoned him? The birth mother. The orphanage. Torry Hansen. The Russian Diplomat family. The Russian families. Why is Torry Hansen the only one paying child support?

To fully understand how the United States responds to post-adoptive children with severe mental and emotional disorders; I encourage you to read, “Second Time Foster Child” by Toni Hoy. The U.S. solution is just to cycle them back into foster care.

Where is the outrage for that?

It’s not any better than what Russia does. We just hide it better.

“I Love You All the Same”

Last year, on Mother’s Day, I wrote a tribute to my mother, who suffered from mental illness. This year, we lost another “angel,” my mother-in-law, Beverly Jean Hoy, better known as Grandma Hoy. Grandma Hoy worked hard at everything she did. She worked hard at her job and she devoted herself to her family.

The stories about Grandma Hoy will live on through her children and grandchildren, just as she carried the stories down from her mother. Thankfully, there are many stories to tell. She repeated tales of raising five sons and a daughter. While motherhood caused the usual trials and tribulations for her, she re-told all the old stories with joy and humor.

Grandma Hoy often gave us a healthy dose of humor. Once, she made a “Frog Eye Salad,” which is sort of a fruity, pasta salad, made with acini de pepe pasta. One of our son’s eyes got big and asked her tentatively, “Grandma, where did you get those frog eyes to make the salad?” She bent down to look at him and said, “I ran around the yard, collected a bunch of frogs, poked their eyes out, and plopped them in the salad, silly!” Shock and worry transformed into smiles as they burst into laughter together. Grandma got him again!

She didn’t always agree with all of our decisions in raising our family, and occasionally said so. But she was never too proud to tell us that we may have taught her a few things along the way. She wasn’t immediately on board with our plans to adopt our sons, but in short order, grew to love our boys, just as we did, and accepted all the other kids that came into our lives as well. Nor was she in favor of our decision to homeschool our children, at least at first. It was at our oldest son’s 8^th grade homeschool graduation that she realized why we made that decision. She told me that day, that his success was not only a tribute to him, but also to me, for devoting the time and attention to his life and education. And while one of our sons suffers from bonding and attachment disorders, the tears he shed at her funeral, indicate to us, that he was definitely bonded to Grandma.

I always wondered why she didn’t have any hobbies. Then I realized that she did have one. It was us. She went to as many football, basketball, hockey, wrestling, dance, and other events as she possibly could to support her grandchildren and cheer them on. There was always a celebratory meal after. She was known for having the best cookouts and she’ll go down in history as making the best potato salad in the country.

Grandma Hoy remembered the big things as well as the small things. She remembered all the birthdays of her children and their spouses, her 18 grandchildren, and 2 great-grandchildren, as well as anniversaries and graduations. And she remembered the little things too, like what my kids’ favorite meals were at the drive thru window. When she served soup, she placed a teaspoon by my bowl, because she remembered that my little mouth was just too small for a big girl spoon.

The words that epitomize Grandma Hoy are unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. She took everyone just as they were. There is a lesson there for all of us.

In her final days, she wanted to make sure we felt her love and unconditional acceptance, as she wrote on a piece of paper. “I love you all the same.”

Beverly Jean Hoy

March 7, 1935-May 2, 2012

You will be fondly remembered and greatly missed.

Dr. Duckworth Friday Call

Friday, May 18^th Children’s Conference Call with Dr. Ken Duckworth

Save the Date: Friday, May 18^th, 2012, from 11:00a.m. to 12:30p.m. Eastern Time.

Topic: Open Clinical Call

Please join us for an open clinical call with Dr. Ken Duckworth, a child and adolescent psychiatrist and NAMI’s Medical Director! Dr. Duckworth will discuss issues of interest to participants and will respond to any questions about child and adolescent mental health issues. This is your opportunity to get those burning questions and comments addressed!

Friday children’s conference calls with Dr. Ken Duckworth take place on the third Friday of every month. The calls are toll free and are scheduled from 11:00 a.m. – 12:30 p.m. E.T. To access the toll-free call, please dial 1-888-858-6021; access number 309918#. We hope that you will join us!

Don’t forget! The Children’s Conference Calls are now recorded and archived at www.nami.org/askthedoctor. Please visit the site to access previous calls.

Second Time Foster Child-Emotional Damage to the Family

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internet radio with Toni Hoy on Blog Talk Radio

Vote for Smile at Your Baby

I hope that you will support fellow advocate and RAD mom, Shelley Germain Calissendorf who started Smile at Your Baby!  You only have to vote 1x (but I figured you can vote from every IP address, so vote from cell phone, iPad, desktop and laptop.) Vote from every cell in the house!

Smile at Your Baby creates awareness of the importance of singing, holding, and talking to babies to prevent disorders like RAD, FASD, and PTSD. Vote for Shelley’s Smile at Your Baby #10 and help her win the prize!

Vote here  http://apps.facebook.com/my-polls/lovetalkplay

Which is your favorite Washington state early learning organization? In honor of the Week of the Young Child, Thrive by Five Washington is giving away “Love. Talk. Play.” materials to organizations that serve families with children birth to 3! Vote for your favorite organization to win the prize.Rules and prizesMore details about the contestants

1:Just Like Home Childcare & Preschool, Inc. (White Salmon)

2:Small Hands Childcare and Learning Center (Sultan)

3:Blue Prints for Learning (Spokane)

4:Cooperative Preschool Program (Community Colleges of Spokane)

5:North Central Regional Library (Wenatchee)

6:NAPS Doulas (Seattle)

7:Hands On Children’s Museum of Olympia

8:Easter Seals Jane’s House (Yakima Valley)

9:Vancouver Community Library

10:Smile at Your Baby (Pullman)

11:Yakama Nation Early Childhood Intervention Program

Second Time Foster Child-Emotional Damage to the Child

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internet radio with Toni Hoy on Blog Talk Radio

Beaches and Meadows

by Toni Hoy

I have a confession. During my most stressful time, when I couldn’t sleep at night due to stress, I found one place that I could actually sleep. It’s a place you wouldn’t expect-the tanning salon. The atmosphere with the palm trees and tropical décor was calming. I lay down on that bed, closed my eyes, grabbed the headphones and listened to tropical music, and let the warmth engulf me. Within seconds, I did the one thing I couldn’t even do in my own bed. I fell asleep. It was a 10 minute tropical powernap! When the worst of our ordeal ended, I returned to the salon. For the first time, the sandman didn’t come. Then it hit me. I hadn’t fallen asleep because I simply wasn’t tired. I was sleeping at night as I should have been doing all along. I didn’t go back to the salon after that, because I didn’t need to. While tanning poses the risk of skin cancer, during that period of my life, the risk to my health because of stress was far worse.

Years back, I attended a therapy session with one of my sons. His therapist asked him about his “special quiet place.” As a young guy, at first, he was confused. Then she told us about her special quiet place, the place she goes to in her mind when life is just too much. She described a grassy meadow with newly sprouted cover. The sky is blue and clear; the air is crisp with a soft warm breeze. The sun is shining down on her as she lay in the grass amongst colorful flowers. The smell of the flowers engulfs her. She reaches out to feel sharp blades of grass and soft flower petals. She could the wind whistling through the trees and the birds chirping in the distance.

Plop yourself into your most comfy chair. Lay your head back. Close your eyes. Clear your mind. Take yourself back to a time in your life where you tuned out all of life’s “noise.” Where were you? Was anyone there with you? Use all of your senses. What do your surroundings look like? What does the air smell like? Feel the textures of things that surround you. Can you hear birds? Crickets chirping? Boats sailing by? Do you taste salt from the ocean on your tongue? Or snowflakes?

Our therapist went to “her meadow.” I went to the beach. Where will you go? And will you make the time to be there?

STFC-The CASA Debacle

I know that some of you have had good experience with the CASA organization. As a whole, they do more good than harm, however, they have no training on no fault dependency cases and should not be serving on them. They treated us even worse than everyone else and created irreperable harm to our son and to us.

My book tells the truth, from our perspective, as we lived it. It is subjective and my opinion. It is also part of our family history. The names and the case number were changed to protect confidentiality.

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internet radio with Toni Hoy on Blog Talk Radio

RAD Advocacy Conference-Branson, MO August 2-4

I will be speaking at the Power Advocacy Attachment Conference in Branson, MO on August 2-4, 2012 and doing an author signing.

Second Time Foster Child-Juvenile Court Response

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